every night, you pass through
by dazliousdinosaur
Summary: "But there's one thing I learned that I never got to thank you for. And if this is my last chance…"


_I didn't come to play it safe,_  
_I came to win or lose with you._  
**It's Only Me -Dessa**

Dean opened one eye as a gentle knock came from his bedroom door. A glance at the clock told him he'd laid down over an hour ago, but he knew he hadn't really fallen asleep. It wasn't easy to relax when tonight might be your last night alive. He'd been here before, of course, but this time felt different. This time might stick.

"Dean?" he heard Cas call out softly. "It's me."

He crossed to the door and pulled it open. Castiel was standing in the hallway in his white button-down and slacks, coat and jacket left behind. His face was unreadable; a mix of concern, apprehension, and something else Dean couldn't place.

Dean stood aside and beckoned him inside. "What's up?"

If there was one thing he'd never known Cas to be, it was nervous. He'd come off the factory line without the need or capacity to show worry or embarrassment. But the anxious movements of the angel's hands, the way his eyes darted around the room between sidelong glances at Dean, seemed to suggest exactly that.

"Sorry to bother you, I know it's late," Cas said. "It's just… I don't really sleep, and I thought maybe you were still up, and I wanted to talk to you."

Dean's neck prickled, but he forced his face to remain stoic. "Sure, buddy. Talk about what?"

He could see Castiel take a deep breath and pause, undoubtedly another human idiosyncrasy he'd picked up, holding his eyes closed for a beat longer than a blink.

When he opened his eyes, Cas held Dean's gaze head-on. "This is very likely the last time we'll see each other."

Dean didn't bother protesting, Cas was almost certainly right. It was hard to like your odds when you were up against God himself.

"Okay, and?"

"I've lived...so many years," Cas said, almost wistfully. "Seen countless lives come and go, seen life as we know it evolve before my eyes while I stayed the same. Decades can pass in what feels like mere moments. But I've come to realize that my years with you and Sam have given me the only truly important parts of my life."

Dean felt a lump in his throat and fought to swallow it down. "Yeah, Cas. We've had our ups and downs, but you're here at the end with us, and that's what matters."

He placed a hand on Dean's shoulder. The significance of the placement wasn't lost on either of them; sometimes Dean could still feel the handprint burned into his skin. There was a light grip, a touch they'd shared a hundred times before, but this time, Cas didn't let go. Dean stood still, unsure of what to do but unwilling to be the one to break contact. Cas was staring intently at him, as if he was trying to memorize Dean's face, every line, every freckle, while he still could.

"Cas…?" he whispered, the name dying in his throat.

"Dean...I've learned so much from you. How to hunt, how to live in this all-too-human world. How to throw away the grand plans of God and angels and make my own destiny." He paused, and in the brief silence Dean could feel his heart pick up speed, hear blood rushing to his ears, making him feel faint.

He tried to ground himself as Cas resumed talking. "But there's one thing I learned that I never got to thank you for. And if this is my last chance…"

Breath caught in Dean's chest. He'd rehearsed a version of this countless times in his own head, but he'd never expected the conversation from Cas' side.

"I love you, Dean."

Just three words, plus his name, made his knees feel like giving out. Dean's entire focus was spent on remaining upright and processing what had just been said. He stood there in silence, blinking slowly.

"I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable," Cas continued. "I just wanted you to know."

He gave a little smile and turned to leave. Before he realized what he was doing, Dean had reached out and caught Cas' wrist. Cas looked down at their hands, then back at Dean. His eyebrows grew ever so slightly closer together as he tried to understand.

"Of course it- I mean, listen," Dean babbled. "I- You're-"

Cas stared at him in silence, eyes narrowing as Dean continued to try and fail to form a coherent sentence.

"Cas, I- I've never been with a, I mean, I've thought about it, but I never had, never knew how to-" Dean sighed. "Fuck it."

Unable to climb out of his spiral of stumbling over words, he did the only thing he could think of and threw himself onto Cas. Their lips crashed together, hard and uncomfortable at first, but once Cas took the lead and kissed him back, they melted together, a tangle of fingers in hair and legs slotting together.

Cas guided him further into the room, shutting the door behind them. Dean, unwilling to detach, bumped into a dresser then nearly fell over his boots on the floor. Their lips broke apart in nervous laughter, the grins remaining while Dean caught his breath, still nose-to-nose with Cas, feeling uncharacteristically shy as he glanced into his magnetic blue eyes. He'd always broken contact before, tried not to stare for too long, but finally allowing himself to take Cas in like this left him feeling like a teenager again, all awkward and giddy. The reality of what was happening caught up with him, and Dean couldn't help but let out a disbelieving chuckle.

Cas' smile fell slightly. "What is it?"

He reached a hand up to cup the angel's face. "Personal space, remember?"

Castiel looked confused for a moment before a little smirk of recognition crossed his face, as he remembered the discomfort Dean had once felt at being close like this. Well, not like _this_, not quite. Their lips came together again and again as Cas pushed Dean's overshirt off, breaking apart to make room to pull his t-shirt over his head. Dean had a moment of thankfulness Cas hadn't showed up in his full suit, tie and trenchcoat. His fingers shook as he fumbled to unbutton the shirt, only making it to the second button before huffing in frustration. They'd waited long enough.

"I'll buy you a new one," Dean said as he ripped the shirt in either direction, tearing the fabric and sending buttons flying. He pushed the shirt off of Cas' shoulders and onto the floor.

"Dean, wait."

Dean almost whined, looking at Cas questioningly. A split second's pause made his stomach lurch, certain that he would wake up at any moment and Cas would be gone.

"Are you only doing this because we may both die tomorrow?"

"Dammit, Cas. You really know how to bring the mood down."

Cas ran a hand over Dean's hair, lightly parting it with his fingers. Dean felt himself leaning into the touch, cherishing it. "I'm serious. I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything, or worse, that this is some show of pity. You've given me everything I could ask for and more already."

"Maybe it took the end of the world...again," Dean said, "for me to finally take my head out of my ass. I want this. Have wanted this, for...too long. So please, just…"

He leaned in, taking Cas' bottom lip tenderly between his own. Cas pushed into him, moving them back until Dean felt his bed hit the back of his knees. He could tell Cas tried to gracefully bend them onto the bed together, but Dean just fell back and pulled Cas down with him. Their kissing intensified, stubble scraping each other's cheeks as Dean pulled down his sweatpants. Cas ground into him, uncertainly at first, but more forceful once Dean let out a needful whimper. The smooth material of Cas' pants glid over the growing presence in Dean's boxers. He reached up to undo Cas' belt, pulling it out in one motion and tossing it aside a moment before Cas moved his mouth to Dean's throat, grazing his teeth and tongue along his jawline. A guttural groan came out of Dean before he could stop himself.

Castiel's breath was hot in his ear. "You want this, Dean?" he repeated, this time less of a question than a taunt. The gravelly voice, saying his name like that, sent a delightful chill down Dean's spine. He could barely form thoughts at the moment, so he gave only an emphatic nod in response.

The angel pulled away to discard the remainder of his clothing. Dean sat up, staring at Cas' body, which, laid bare like this, made the rest of the room seem dim in comparison.

"God, I love you," Dean said, so softly he wasn't sure if it had been out loud or only in his head.

Castiel's smile answered the question as Dean felt his boxers being pulled down and cast aside. "Let's leave him out of this."

Dean had been made to feel important through hunting, even chosen in the case of being Michael's vessel, but tonight was the first time he'd ever felt _worshipped_. Cas paid careful attention to every inch of him, using his hands and mouth to slowly tease out Dean's pleasure until he was writhing on the bed, vulnerable like he'd never been before. His pupils were blown out and needy, leaking tears as his angel touched him, drawing him to the edge before letting him back down, over and over again.

When their bodies joined together it was unlike anything Dean had felt before. Sex was probably something the average angel did not do, so it was hard to know if they were always like this, their grace filling every inch of their bodies and entering yours as well. Though Dean had never been with a man before, he hadn't imagined it would feel so pure. Castiel's fingers dug into Dean's hips as he held eye contact. His unblinking stare would have been unsettling coming from anyone else, but Cas had always been special, hadn't he?

Cas leaned in closer, deepening contact as he brushed a thumb over Dean's lower lip.

"Cas," he moaned. The name had been on Dean's lips before, in anger, in affection, even in prayer, but not like this.

As their bodies moved together, Cas holding him tight, Dean found himself wondering what it would be like to experience an angel's climax. Anna had been graceless, and the circumstances different...a last night on earth fling rather than the culmination of ten years of longing. The intensity of feeling now almost made him worry for what was to come.

Cas stroked him in earnest, soothing his concern with "It's okay. I've got you," as if he had heard Dean's thoughts. Maybe he had.

Dean let himself go, crying out. Cas moved a few times more with determination, leaning in for a final kiss as he lit Dean up from the inside.


End file.
